Photo: valleyspringrecovery.com

NARCISSISM UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL 

I can honestly say I'm not a fan of narcissistic people.

And I found out recently, after a trip to Ireland, that two men in my life are narcissists!  Thomas lives out of town and the Charley is a relative and both have caused me heartache and grief. 

It's amazing and fortuitous how God puts people (for good or for bad) in our life. We were in Dublin hoping to have dinner at the Brazen Head, the oldest pub in Ireland.  Because of its popularity, there was a chance we wouldn't get in.  But when we entered, a table had just opened.  We sat nearly elbow to elbow with other patrons.  In Europe, I don't mind the coziness.  It's part of the ambience and I love it. 

While my husband Jim and I waited for our meals, we talked about our daughter's trip to North Carolina and how that vacation would be good for her.  A woman seated at the table next to me touched my arm and said, "I can't help but comment, but I heard you mention North Carolina and that's where I live."  So, we struck up a conversation and I found out she was a behavioral therapist.  Curious to get her opinion, I asked her what she could make of Thomas and Charley's controlling and non-empathetic personality traits.  She summed it with one word:  narcissism.  

It's funny that it took a trip to Ireland to make sense of these individuals.  Now, I had to figure how to deal with them.  

First, I wanted to understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) better.  I found an article posted at Valley Spring Recovery Center, a mental health treatment facility.  The site states: "NPD is associated with grandiosity, an insatiable need for admiration, and difficulty in empathizing with others. This disorder manifests in various forms, including grandiose narcissism, which is marked by self-importance and entitlement, and vulnerable narcissism, where individuals exhibit sensitivity to criticism and an underlying sense of insecurity.

"The main characteristics of NPD include an inflated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of success and power, and a tendency to exploit others for personal gain, as mentioned in an article by PsychCentral titled “5 Types of Narcissism and How to Spot Each.” Individuals with NPD also display arrogant behavior and a profound inability to recognize the feelings and needs of others, contributing to dysfunctional relationships."

Wanting to learn more, I found another interesting article in which Dr. Zach Rosenthal, a clinical psychologist at Duke Health discusses the symptoms of NPD, how it is diagnosed, and the individualized approach he takes for treating the disorder.  He describes the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder using the acronym “SPECIAL ME.” 

1. Sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success 
3. Entitled
4. Can only be around people who are important or special
5. Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
6. Arrogant
7. Lack empathy
8. Must be admired
9. Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them  

There you have it.  A very rough idea about narcissism.  So, how to move forward?  

The experts say to stay assertive and set boundaries.  They advise to avoid confrontation.  Trust me, I would never consider having a discussion that had could escalate into an argument.  I know from past experiences it would not go well.   

I realize some don't mind being around narcissistic people.  They can be very charming.  For me, I do my best to steer clear.  Still, interactions will occur that can't be avoided and I will always take note of the controlling, the bad conduct, and the lack of empathy.  At least I can chalk it up to that's just how it is.  At least I get this kind of mindset.  Understanding empowers me.  By adjusting my attitude and being aware of predictable patterns, I can mitigate the chances of getting hurt again.   

À la prochaine!

https://valleyspringrecovery.com/mental-health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

https://www.dukehealth.org/blog/9-signs-of-narcissistic-personality-disorder

Dear followers,

Today, I had to say goodbye to Putty.  

I am heartbroken.  

I had been taking care of my beloved stray for over ten years.  

He had kidney failure and his eyes were vacant.  

He was in pain.  

I'm going miss seeing him press his face against the kitchen door and sleep on the deck. 

I'm going to miss my sweet Putty boy.

 

Taking a little break.

Children's Writer's World will be back soon. 

                                                                                                                                                                  Photo: Pixabay

IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU

I confess I don't understand people who lack self-awareness. People who think it's always about them. 

It kind of boggles my mind.  How can anybody be so into themselves that they don't they realize how they come across to others? And yet I wonder if they did know, would they do anything about it?  Would they change?

I am thankful there are not too many self-centered people in my life.  

However in just one day, I encountered three "it's all about me" kind of people.  

In my language class, students discuss what we'd like to work on during the semester so we can all agree on a chapter to study.  But one day, the instructor went off topic and chose his favorite subject to teach for the day.  We as a class didn't have a say.  Though he meant well and it did provide a teaching moment, nobody seemed engaged or enthusiastic.  He didn't realize that he had shifted the focus of the lesson to something he enjoyed rather than concentrating on the interests of the class.  

And during this same class one classmate hogged the floor.  All students know that before we begin class, we each have a moment to take the floor.  Most of us prepare.  But it was obvious that one student hadn't, and he hemmed and hawed to find a way to express himself.  He was flustered and this went on for quite a while.  I felt badly for him, but he was unaware of how much time he taking up.  Actually, so much time slipped away that nobody else got a chance to speak. 

Then later the same day I sent a text to family members inviting them to a holiday gathering at my home.  I planned on serving dinner for fifteen people.  So, I needed to know how many relatives planned to attend.  Easy.  A simple yes they'd be joining us or not.  But one relative found it necessary to shift the spotlight to himself and go off on a tangent about something other than the party.  This is not egregious, but it could have waited.  

Honestly dear readers, three self-centered people in one day was way too much for me.   

So how does anyone deal with this?  After a little online research, I discovered the importance of understanding the self-centered person's mindset.

Emily Simonian, LMFT, therapist at Thriveworks says, "Self-centered people usually lack empathy, maybe not entirely, but at least enough that they struggle to put themselves in others' shoes." 

"This is self-centered behavior because it demonstrates that this person has little capacity to be curious about or imagine another person's perspective," says Taneille Smith, a therapist in private practice.  

"People who are self-centered will often do everything on their own terms, without taking your needs or desires into consideration as well."  Smith says this demonstrates that they don't consider anyone's preferences but their own. 

Then what can we do about self-absorbed people?

Ashley Laderer, a freelance writer from New York who specializes in health and wellness says, "If you know somebody who constantly makes everything about themselves or seems to have little to no consideration for others, you are likely dealing with a self-centered person.  Having a relationship of any type with someone like this can leave you feeling emotionally drained or hurt.  If you want to salvage the relationship, be sure to set boundaries and open up about how you feel, but also know that the relationship might need to end for your own sake if extreme self-centered behavior continues." 

While all of this may be good advice, it would be hard for me to set boundaries, be open about my feelings, or end relationships.  I don't want to say or do anything to hurt anyone's feelings.  

But what I can do is be aware that certain people will turn a situation around so they are in the spotlight.  It's like wait for it...

and, there it is.  

So, anticipating this kind of behavior can shield me from absorbing the negative energy a self-absorbed person emits.  

I can't change people who lack self-awareness.  But I can protect myself by expecting narcissistic conduct to crop up.  Because there will always be a few self-centered people in my life.  They may be teachers, students and relatives.  It's up to me to take action, to be proactive.  I have the power to limit the exposure to those who haven't a clue how they're perceived by others.  

À la prochaine!

                                                                                                                                                Courtesy: Smilesbymegan.com 

GETTING NOTICED 

I'll be honest, I get bitter when my writing doesn't impress.  Last month, I entered a popular picture book contest and my submission didn't garner a prize.  Okay, you can't win them all.  

I don't mean to come across as arrogant, but I believe my writing is prize-worthy.  My critique partners, editors, and agents have complimented my work, so I feel a bit justified in feeling let-down.   

Here's the thing: a good number of winners wrote stories about diversity.  So, this could be a reason why my work was not selected.  I don't feel qualified to write these stories. 

So, now I'm having doubts whether to enter the contest again should the opportunity arise next year.  The competition is fierce and more than 1000 people usually enter.  Diversity has been the chief interest of judges for the last four years.  

On the other hand, I feel that entering contests helps one to meet a deadline, to write concisely (if there's a word limit) to practice revising, and to get your work in front of writers, judges, and agents. 

So, what to do?

A lot of writers will say, write for yourself, not to please others.  And I do just that.  I write what I feel in my heart with the hope it will entertain and inspire children to be brave and kind.  Delivering a subtle message wrapped in lyrical language captures my voice.  I believe that stories that are magical, that flow with rhythm, that connect with alliteration, and that sing with assonance invite people to read them over and over because words sound lovely when read out loud and the messages are comforting.  

I will have to think about entering the picture book contest again.  One of the winning entries (all entries are made public) didn't follow the guidelines and exceeded the word count.  Why have rules at all if some judges are willing to avert their eyes?  How fair is that?  Again, I'm bitter because all winners get to have their stories presented to agents without having to query.  And an unqualified entry got to enjoy the perks.  

But enough complaining.  Sometimes life is not fair.  It's time to mourn the loss and move on.  And I did.  Shortly after the winners had been announced, I found a SCBWI webinar on...drum-roll, please...  "Winning short story contests!"  It gave useful tips on how to compose a winning entry (hint:  create a twist ending) the importance of matching a story to judges' tastes, and how to find a slew of writing contests.   

One last thought...

Being one of the winners in the picture book contest would have been a terrific opportunity to have my work in front of agents.  In fact, many of the winners find representation through this event.  But for me, it means I have to keep querying.  Which can be exhausting.  Which can feel futile.  Giving up is not an option.  I want my writing to impress an agent.  To receive a little validation.  To be appreciated.  I'd love to reach an audience.  Writing about diversity is important topic, but magical, lyrical stories are worthy of prizes and they should be noticed, too.   

À la prochaine!

"It is a great thing when your work is appreciated." Jacqueline Fernandez, Sri Lankan actress 

WHY CATS?   

I confess I love cats.

This has not always been the case.  

As a youngster and even as a young adult, I never had the occasion to be around cats.  However, this situation changed when my six-year-old daughter wanted a pet she could hug.  Beta fish didn't pass the test.  So we adopted a cat we called Ollie...except we knew very little about cats.  Luckily, cats pretty much take care of themselves.  Mostly, all they need is food and water.  Kind of like taking care of a cactus, but softer.  

Ozzie

Ollie was a bit persnickety (I discovered much later that ALL cats are persnickety).  He would paw out kibbles from his food bowl one at a time and eat them.  During the years we cared for Ollie, I never knew cats liked wide bowls because their whiskers are very sensitive.  So, Ollie adapted to the small food bowl and we got used to his odd-eating habit. 

Seven years later, Ollie passed away.  My daughter had moved away to go to college and I missed having a furry companion. I visited the Humane Society and found young cat named Ozzie.  He was a sweet tabby, but too curious for his own good.  When he was about seven-years-old, he ventured out a door that was accidently left ajar and he took the opportunity to explore the great outdoors. Not the smartest decision.

The temperatures were below freezing.  And worse, Ozzie didn't have claws.  His chances of survival were slim.  Two weeks passed, and Ozzie never came home.  He must have been so scared, cold, and hungry, trying to stay warm and trying to find water and food on the frozen ground.  My husband and I searched the neighborhood daily, put notices on lampposts, and posted about his disappearance online.  We hoped someone had found him, but no one had taken him to the Humane Society when we stopped by.   

Lizzie

I ached for another cat.  On the way home from the shelter, we dropped by Pet Smart, just to take a look.  Kittens would cheer me up.  When we saw a black and white tuxedo cat named Abby, the same name as our daughter, we adopted her on the spot (and changed her name to Lizzie). She became a lap cat and her rumbling purrs and affection helped me deal with the loss of Ozzie....who by the way, who had been found by a neighbor two weeks later and less than a mile away, unharmed and hungry. 

So, I take care of two indoor cats as well as a stray cat called Putty.  He's a fussy feline.  He wants wet food in a clean bowl.  Putty has the habit of disappearing for months and then showing up at our back door for food and medical attention when he gets hurt.  I could never turn him away.  He's a tough kitty who's been coming around for over ten years and I feel honored I've gained his trust. 

So how did I get so attached to these fur babies?  What is it about cats?  For me, it's Ozzie's fanned whiskers when he enjoys getting brushed, Lizzie's purring when she gets a chin rub, Putty's gruff meow when he gets his food bowl filled.  It's the way they show affection with playful swats, a tail tap, or a head bump.  It's their royal attitude and carriage, their dignified presence.  It's the way they calm me if I've had a bad day or if I get writer's block.    

When I was young, I would have never thought that cats would be part of my life.  Now, I can't imagine my life without them.  They have touched me with their personalities, persistence, and perseverance.  My love of cats shows up in my stories:  a tabby that goes missing, or a stray who gets care when he's injured, or a housecat that soothes a broken heart.  Through my writing, I can show others the awesomeness of cats.  Even as I write this blog, Lizzie is curled in my lap, inviting me to write another story.  No doubt a story about a cat.  I have a feline purrhaps, I will.  

  

À la prochaine! 

  

 

                                                                                                              Photo: Ryoji Iwata

A PERFECT FIT

I confess sometimes I don't fit in.

Like recently, at a local SCBWI writer's meeting.*  I've only attended twice, but I didn't have a good feeling about this group.  

The group meets once a month and consists mostly of unpublished writers. Though everyone was nice and polite, I couldn't relate very well to them and they couldn't relate to me.  Perhaps that was due to the fact that we hadn't had the opportunity to get to know one another.    

In addition, I noticed that the vibe was cold.  Most of the folks were very quiet.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there were no lively discussions—the atmosphere was kind of blah.  Part of the reason was because we didn't have much time for conversation because the leader asked us to write for 25 minutes inspired by prompts.  I felt like I was in a class.  Maybe I've missed the purpose of these meetings.  Maybe these meetings were intended for quiet writing. 

That's not all.  Another attendee assumed I knew little about writing and publishing and thought I could benefit from taking classes at the local literary center.  It was a kind gesture and I wasn't offended, but she never asked about my experience.  I had to explain that I'd been traditionally published and I have taught writing classes at the local literary center.  

Lastly, the leader came across with an I-know-it-all attitude.  At one point I had to speak up and challenge something he said (in a polite, respectful way) when he gave out inaccurate information.  He barely acknowledged what I said.  It's hard for me to be around people who can't concede they might be wrong.  

When time was nearly up, one writer said she had some ideas for the next meeting. I asked what she had in mind and she went on about where we could meet and have coffee and bagels.  OK, good to know, but what are we going to work on?  To her, food was more important than business.  Clearly, some people have a different agenda than I do.

I had wanted an opportunity to get to know other writers, to learn what others were working on, to understand each other's goals, to give and receive feedback, and to lend support.  But it didn't turn out that way.    

It's odd.  Halfway through the meeting today, I felt a migraine coming on.  My body was trying to tell me this writer's meeting probably wasn't right for me.  Later that day I wondered how other local chapters ran their meetings.  So, I posted a question for SCBWI members on Face Book wanting to know about the purpose of their get togethers.  Here's my favorite reply:  "Community building. To get to know others in the regions, to share knowledge and resources. To ask questions.  To make friends."  Yes!  That's want I want from my local group!

The sad thing is, I really want to be part of a local writer's group, to support others, to share manuscripts, and to talk about our challenges, our goals, our highs and lows.  One day, I hope to find a group where I'll feel comfortable, one where everyone can get to know one another, contribute, and help each other succeed.  Our local group is scheduled to meet later this month.  I will attend just to see how things go.  Maybe the agenda will improve and it will be exactly what I'm looking for.  But if there are no changes, I'll know this group will never be a perfect fit.  

À la prochaine!

*The Society for Children's Writers and Illustrators

  

                                                                                                                                           Photo: Tiffany Anthony
THE MISSING PEARLS 

I have a catchphrase I use whenever something goes missing: someone stole it.   

For instance, thirty-some years ago when my husband and I were moving into our new house, a box of valuables went missing.  I looked everywhere for it and came to the conclusion that garbage men must have taken it.  Which turned out to be absurd and oh so wrong.  The box eventually turned up.  

But now this catchphrase is the only explanation for the empty mother-of-pearl jewelry box on the nightstand by my bed.  This case held something special, something personal, something beautiful and delicate—a double strand pearl necklace that belonged to my bubbie.  

I had rummaged through every dresser drawer.  I've looked under the bed.  I've searched the closet: on shelves of folded sweaters, inside shoes, between clothes on hangers, and behind hats, under laundry baskets and bookbags.  I turned the bedroom upside down and inside out, looked high and low and knew in my heart the necklace had been ripped off.   

Over the years, we've had painters and carpenters in the house.  It never occurred to me to hide the necklace.  The pearls flowed freely from the jewelry box like a beaded waterfall, but I never thought it would interest others, invite others, tantalize and tempt.  So, I beat myself up for being so careless, for not guarding something that I loved and valued.   

My husband assured me it would show up.  But he was wrong.  Even though I have no proof someone took it, I had a lingering suspicion that the necklace had been lifted and I laid the blame on others.   

You could say buy another.  But that's not the point.  A new necklace would never do.  I want the necklace that graced my grandmother's neck. 

My bubbie worked at the grocery store she and my grandfather owned.  On her feet Monday through Friday.  Never complained.  She was a kind person who extended credit to people for kosher meat, knowing they probably would never be able to pay their bills.  She rarely wore the necklace—she and my grandfather didn't go out that much.  But I like to think she wore the pearls to synagogue. I can envision her touching them lightly as she recited, "Barukh Attah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-Olam, O Lord our God, King of the universe." 

It's been ten years and counting since I've last seen the pearls.  I am crushed they are missing—the pearls held memories of my grandmother.  They were a physical way I could connect with her.  

I used to imagine a package arriving.  A small package without a return address.  A package wrapped in regret.  I would rip it open and find the necklace.  It would be accompanied with a note:  I believe this belonged to you. 

But I know this would never happen.  The necklace was gone for good.   

I think of my grandmother and sweet memories arise and my skin tingles as if she's passed right through me.  Her heavenly voice says, "You don't need pearls to have me nearby."  

You might think this is the end of the story, but there's more.  

As you may have guessed, I never received a package with a note and the necklace. Such is the stuff of dreams.

But during the Christmas break, I mentioned the stolen jewelry to my daughter and she told me she had a double strand necklace. I was so wrapped up believing in my little catchphrase, so convinced the necklace had been stolen that I had forgotten I’d given it to her.

The jewelry box is empty and it will remain empty, not because I don’t have other items for it, but because it serves as a reminder. A reminder of something missing and then found. Of something loved and valued. Of something special. Of something personal, beautiful, and delicate.  Of something passed down.  My daughter keeps her great grandmother’s necklace—and it belongs with her.  

 À la prochaine!