Photo: kieferpix

HELP  

I hate rejection.  Though I've gotten used to it with querying, rejection feels so personal when it comes from friends, family and associates.  How does this EVEN happen when all I do is ask for help?    

An editor (to whom I paid to critique my picture book) told me that she'd help with the revision.   

A writer friend said she'd help review one of my manuscripts.  

I never heard back from either one of them.   

You might think this would disappoint me, but if you read my previous blog, you'd know I'm learning to deal with disappointment by lowering my expectations.  And that's working to some degree.  But I had hoped that when someone says they'll do something, they would follow through.

In a different case, I have a sibling who for the past thirty years has never lent a helping hand no matter the situation.  Years ago, while I worked a weekend day shift, my husband came down with a migraine while caring for our infant daughter.  He needed to go to bed to sleep off the pain, but when I asked my brother if he could help out for a couple of hours until I got home, he told me no and he literally lives five minutes from us.  

And more recently, he wouldn't help our daughter who have flown from the states to attend his son's wedding in France.  Her plane was delayed, and while she managed to catch the train to Avignon, he wouldn't hold the bus to the venue for ten minutes to allow her join us. WTF?   

Maybe these individuals are too busy to help or don't want to be hassled.    

But I want to believe if someone tells me they'll do something for me, they'll do it.  I want to believe that blood is thicker than water, and relatives are there for their families.  My requests fell on deaf ears.  With hindsight, I have a clearer picture of who I'm dealing with.  All three lack of empathy.   

For a while, I felt angry and hurt.  But now I know—don't ask for help because most likely, it ain't gonna happen.  So, what now?  

1. Accept the reality of the situations 

2. Detach emotionally 

3. Strengthen boundaries, if necessary

4. Redefine the relationships

These people have taught me a lesson:  don't wallow in despair—learn and grow.  

Moving forward, I will accept them for who they are.  I will manage how I engage with them.  I protect my peace and my goals.  And I will avoid situations that will ultimately lead to disappointment and rejection. 

À la prochaine! 

 

                                                                                                                   photo: Milada Vigerova

DISAPPOINTED 

I confess I am easily disappointed.    

My husband says the reason I get disappointed is because my expectations are too high.  

Even still...  

I expect some thoughtfulness: 

I critiqued a friend's manuscript and she agreed to critique my work.  It's been weeks and I'm still waiting.  Maybe she forgot about it.  Maybe she'll get around to it.  Maybe she's at a loss about how to critique it and doesn't know what to make of it.  Who knows?  But it seems like my manuscript is the last thing on her mind.  It hurts I haven't heard back.  I was hoping for a little kindness and respect.   

BEFORE
(I haven't the heart to show you AFTER)

I expect some follow through:  

My elderly father has some mobility issues, so I gave him cucumber, squash and tomatoes plants that could be easily cared for on his patio.  My father has always enjoyed gardening and he was excited to have a more convenient way to appreciate plants.  I had raised from the vegetables from seeds, nurtured them as they grew in pots and drove 70 miles to deliver them to his home.  Unfortunately, he didn't water them.  My efforts literally died.

I expect some courtesy:

My dad's sister, my only aunt, preferred to listen to a television show rather than talk with me on the phone.  The program 60 Minutes was on and she wanted to tune in.  I had called to wish her happy birthday and to have a short chat about her health and the family.  I felt shunned and was disappointed that she never called me back. 

Sometimes, people let me down.  However after doing a little research, I found that there are some ways to handle disappointment.  

According to tinybuddha.com: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/cope-people-disappoint/ You have the right to feel what you feel. 

• Don’t ignore your feelings of disappointment. But try to obtain a renewed sense of the other person’s perspective.

• We all have different expectations. Most people are inherently good. They are on their own journey, and although disappointment can feel personal, it’s often not. The other person’s expectations are simply different to yours.

• Disappointments aren’t always all bad. What may seem like a challenge may be a blessing in disguise—or a blessing in waiting; it may only be a matter of time before you recognize that your disappointment is actually the universe working its magic for you. 

• It helps to shift your focus. Resolve to do things that bring you joy. Focus on what is new and good, start manifesting, and leave those disappointing thoughts behind. 

• It will pass. No matter how deeply you are disappointed, in time you will move through the feeling. Weed out the people who consistently disappoint you.

• Be mindful of people who regularly disappoint you and make more time for those who don’t. Maintain a positive sense of yourself through happy relationships with people who are uplifting and energizing.

The last tip speaks volumes to me.  I need to remember some people will let me down.  It's in their nature.  It's just who they are.  They don't intentionally mean to hurt, but they put themselves first without thinking about how others feel.  Therefore, it's kind of a no-brainer:  I'll limit contact with these folks and spend more time with people who care.  And if I pair this action with lowering my expectations, I may just feel less disappointed.   

À la prochaine!

                                                                                                                                                            Photo: Deluxe.com

CHRISTMAS CARDS OF YESTERYEAR

With Christmas celebrated five days ago, I have to come clean:  I am so over Shutterfly holiday cards.   

I'm not saying I hate them.  I just miss the sparkly cards with snowflakes and Christmas trees.  The penned messages are meaningful and wintry scenes are pure magic to me.  Where has the personal touch gone?  

Shutterfly is an attractive answer for those who don't have time to shop for cards and write something inside them.  Their slogan is: "Make Something That Means Something."  Many people have bought this marketing.  To me, the cards feel cold, impersonal, unoriginal and dare I say, self-centered.  They are like a mini-photo album and except for the border, they have absolutely nothing Christmasy about them.    

But I get it.  Shutterfly makes it easy.  Just pick a festive design, upload your favorite photos, customize text and colors to your liking, add premium finishes like foil if desired, and then preview and order your personalized cards.  

The Shutterfly Christmas cards have been around for a while, the momentum is growing, and they make up about half of the cards we receive.  But let's get real...these photos are so tiny, I can barely make out who is in each picture.  (At least this is true of the cards we receive.)  

"Get with the times,"  some would say.  So, I could adjust my thinking and accept the trend.  

But I'm stuck in the past. 

It makes me sad to see the cherished tradition of sending wintry, sparkly cards slipping away.  A new tradition has begun, and I'm not a fan.  Call me old-fashioned.  Nostalgic. 

I realize choosing Shutterfly is a choice and I won't judge you for going this route.  You do you.  I am hopeful the old-time cards will return, but for now, the holiday greetings have changed and we've lost some of the magic of Christmas.    

Bonne année à tous !