Surprisingly audacious reflections of a humble writer

CALL ME ISHMAEL OR BOSSY

Some people may call me a know-it-all.

They misunderstand.  Truth is, I love sharing my knowledge with people.  And that could come across as bossy or pushy.  I like to write how-to pieces because people are hungry to discover ways to solve a problem or learn something new.

I'm not alone.  Lots of people write how-to articles.  Go ahead, and goggle "how-to" and you'll find

how to learn a language,
how to work with unprofessional people,
how to do laundry,
how to walk in heels,
how to make a car repair,
how to fix a toilet,
how to mend a broken heart,
yada yada yada it's all there on the Internet—anything your little heart desires to know.

Writers who want to build their bio can write a how-to article.  These pieces are not difficult to write.  It takes some research and good writing skills.  Here's how to get started:

• Read your favorite publications to see what techniques writers use to write a how-to article.
• Choose a topic that interests you and one that will address your audience's needs.
• Research the topic using reliable sources.
• Outline the piece keeping important points grouped together.   
• Begin the piece with a hook:  an interesting fact, a startling statistic, an inspiring quote. 
• Use a conversational tone. 
• Tie the ending to the beginning.  
• Have a second reader have a look at the article and check for grammatical errors.
• Edit the piece.  

I'm always thinking about new topics for a how-to article.  From my experience, I could advise writers on publishing with an indie press or finding marketing ideas.

But I wouldn't have to narrow my how-to topic to just writing.  The saying goes "write what you know."

Therefore, I could write about:

• trying to talk a police officer out of a ticket (it didn't work)

• playing racket ball in a dorm room (I don't recommend it)

• teaching a cat boundaries (don't waste your time) 

I've lived these experiences; therefore, I would have plenty to write about.

So call me what you will, bossy or pushy, a know-it-all, whatever.  It won't hurt my feelings.  My mission is to inform the hungry reader.

CWW is published twice a month.

À la prochaine! 

Surprisingly audacious reflections of a humble writer

YOU SAY CABELA'S AND I SAY CARRABBA'S  

Last holiday season, I gave my hairdresser a gift he didn't expect.

You would think that since I'm a creative sort of person that coming up with presents would be up my alley.  But it's hard being creative year after year.  Though I've known Antonio for a long time, I'm never sure what he likes as a gift.  Since he seems to enjoy eating out at restaurants, I get him gift cards.

This time, I decided to choose something different other than the usual American food restaurant chains like TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesday, and O'Charlies.  I thought he'd like Italian cuisine so while at the grocery store, I bought him a gift card.

A week before Christmas, my husband delivered the card to the salon for me.  Antonio opened it before Jim left.

"Why, thank you Jim," said Antonio.  "I've never shopped here before."

Jim looked at him curiously and peeked at the card.  He had to hold back the laughter until he came home.

At dinner time, Jim told me he gave Antonio his gift.

"Did he like it?" I asked.

"Do you remember what you bought him?"

"Of course.  It was a gift card for Carrabba's."

My loving husband waited for me to say more.

"You know, the Italian restaurant."

"Ah...no you didn't."

"But I always get him a restaurant gift card.  I wanted to get him something different this year."

"You did.  You bought him a Cabela's gift card."  Jim burst out laughing.

"What's so funny.  Isn't it an Italian restaurant?"

"It's an outdoor sporting store.  A place for people who like to hunt, fish, and boat."

I felt so embarrassed.  Antonio is not an outdoorsman.

He wouldn't wear plaid or flannel outdoorsy clothes.  I've only seen him in black polo shirts, black jeans, and black tennis shoes.  He would never shop there.  Well, there goes that gift card.

The next morning, I called Antonio to apologize, but he said don't worry about it.  But I felt horrible.  I wanted to get him another gift.  I drove to Bella Notte (I've eaten here—I know it's an Italian restaurant) to purchase a gift certificate.  Finally, Antonio would have a gift he could use.  Jim delivered it to him a few days before Christmas.

"Did Antonio like the new gift?" I asked.

"He did," said Jim.  "Antonio said we didn't have to buy him two gifts, but to tell you thank you...

and that he loves his plaid shirt from Cabela's."

CWW is published twice a month.

À la prochaine! 

 Surprisingly audacious reflections of a humble writer 

THE DEADLIEST CRAB 

"Want to go crab fishing?" asks my husband.

That's my cue to join him to watch an episode of the Deadliest Catch.  Or as I like to call it, the Deadliest Crab.

Deadliest Catch follows six sea captains and their crew as they hunt for elusive Alaskan crab.  Viewers can always count on drama.  Sea captains battle:

• arctic storms with hurricane-force winds and 40 foot waves
• ice floes
• snow blindness
• crew management 
• accidents that cause serious injury or death 
• fatigue
• health issues (back issues and conditions brought on by stress)
• equipment failure which may lead to fires, oil leaks, power outage, or loss of steering 

On top of all that, the captain must find crab. That's tricky because radar doesn't detect crabs resting upon the bottom of the sea. 

Many captains must rely on intuition to locate the crab.  Others refer to logs which indicate the location and numbers of crabs caught in years gone by.  And captains will use  devices that mimic the sound of a crab-feeding frenzy or rely on smelly crab farts to lead them to rich crab grounds.

Crab fishing is one of the most dangerous jobs in the country.  It seems like once a season, Deadliest Catch airs footage of the United States Coast Guard searching for crewmen of capsized vessels or retrieving injured fishermen from a deck—a feat in itself as swimmers lower a rescue basket from a helicopter through rough wind onto a rocking ship.

Sea captain Josh Harris says, "It's not a sport for the weak or the weak-minded."

From time to time, a little levity peppers the show with the crew pulling silly pranks like filling a fisherman's boots with water and then freezing them or moving a captain's boat (unbeknownst to him) to another dock.

When an episode gets bloody
however, (say like when a steel crane smashes a forehead) or gross (or when a wound is lanced or part of a finger is lost), I'll look away while my husband replays the scene to be sure he hadn't missed any gore.

I may have writely challenges (marketing Maggie, submitting to agents, producing Kid's Imagination Train, writing two blogs) but these are nothing compared to fishing the Bering Sea.

Writing for children is demanding (ask any children's author) but it's not usually deadly.  With writing, you may face rejection, but you don't run the risk of getting bloody and gory...

and you never have to be on the lookout for crab farts.  

CWW is published twice a month.

À la prochaine! 

 

Surprisingly audacious reflections of a humble writer

ONE AND NOT DONE 

I never used to be a Wildcat fan.

Pretty shameful being that I graduated from the University of Kentucky.

But over the last few years, I can't get enough of UK basketball.  I think what attracted me to the game is our charismatic coach John Calipari.

Though Calipari has taken six teams to the NCAA Final Fours and led UK to win the championship (2012), many criticize him for supporting the principle of one and done—having a basketball player play one season and then be eligible to get drafted for the NBA.

According to the wildcatbluenation.com "The one and done situation is good for players whose talent is certainly ready for the NBA. Kentucky Basketball has allowed many players in the last 7 seasons to fulfill a dream. They are able to support their family by playing the game they love.

No one should question a decision made by an 18 year old kid that is NBA ready to leave school and get paid to play. Kentucky has offered these types of players the opportunity for a fast track to the pros."

But because of this doctrine, Calipari has his work cut out coaching a team largely comprised of freshman.  

For that, I admire him.  He seems to care about his players and wants them to do well, despite his frequent rant "OUT"—meaning have a seat on the bench and contemplate what you did wrong.  Time-out on the bench is usually not for long.  Players always get multiple chances to get back into the game.

That's the way I wish writing was like, having multiple chances to think about what went wrong (with a submission) and then go back and get it right.  Usually a writer gets one chance and one chance only.  Rarely do writers get a second chance to submit an edited version of their work to a publisher or an agent.

With Kid's Imagination Train ezine however, writers get multiple chances to edit their manuscripts.  They learn how to revise their work so that it can be published.  Like Calipari, I want them to do well.

Kid's Imagination Train writers are not one and done's.  Our writers submit again and again to KIT after their first acceptance.  In fact, some writers have been with our little ezine for over five years.

I admit some writers publish once with us and move on to the pros (Highlights, Ranger Rick, Boys' Life).  They exemplify UK's latest slogan: succeed-and-proceed which now replaces the three-word mantra.  But most of our writers are loyal and recognize they get a privileged opportunity to work on their game.

CWW is published twice a month.

À la prochaine! 

Surprisingly audacious reflections of a humble writer

DOPEY AND SLEEPY, BUT NOT HAPPY OR LITERALLY LETTING THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG  

I should have never tried to drug drugged a stray cat.

Putt-Putt is the black and white stray cat that we feed and care for.

Our family thought it would be a good idea to take him in for a check-up with our veterinarian.

The big question was, how do you catch a cat that doesn't want to be caught?  A friend suggested that I give him a sedative.  I thought that was brilliant.

I explained the situation to my vet and he approved a mild sedative.  The following morning, I crushed only a quarter of the tablet and put it in his food.

Within five minutes his eyes were glassy.  I gently slipped the cloth laundry bag over him and pulled the drawstring.

Well, that was easy.  Putt-Putt only had to sleep for a few hours until his appointment.

And then, Putt-Putt must have realized something was not quite right.  No ground beneath his paws. No blue skies overhead.  He went berserk.  Lord have mercy, this cat was on a mission to escape faster than Harry Houdini.

I called my husband's cell.

It was 6:00 am.

"Jim.  Hurry.  I need you to go get the pet carrier."

"What?  Where are you?"

"I'm on the deck with Putt-Putt.  He's trying to get out of the bag."

Putt-Putt was not trying to get out of the bag, he was DETERMINED to get out of the bag.

My loving and devoted husband knew ahead of time what I had hoped to accomplish.  He scrambled out of bed and dashed into the garage for the carrier and began to climb the steps to the deck where I had one unhappy supposedly-drugged cat.

He arrived just in time to see Putt-Putt slice the bag and tear it to shreds with his claws.

No problem, he'll probably calm down and sleep it off.  I mean, he's doped up.  Right?

Putt-Putt took off like a bcat out of hell.

I hadn't counted on him getting agitated and scared.  I expected him to take one long cat nap.

Then an enormous amount of guilt swallowed me up.  Here was this sedated cat that I love disappearing to who knows where and it was all because of me.

I had visions of my beloved stray being hit by a car.  Chased by a dog.  Carried away by a hawk.
If you've ever seen the movie The Proposal with Kevin the dog (replace Kevin with Putty) you'll know what I mean.

I searched the neighborhood and called for him throughout the morning meanwhile swearing I would never ever try this stunt again.

By early afternoon, Putt-Putt returned to sleep on our deck. Unharmed.  When he awoke, I had a big dish of sedative-free cat food waiting for him.

As for getting him in to the vet and having his health checked out, I'm not sure that's going to happen.

All ideas sound good theoretically at first.  The same is true with writing or any other task.  Some ideas work, others don't.  You've got to try and see.

But if the idea sounds questionable from the very start and it includes a cat, it's probably best to scratch it.

Listen to Randi Lynn read Dopey and Sleep, but not Happy...

CWW is published twice a month.
À la prochaine

Surprisingly audacious reflections of a humble writer

AND THEN CAME VELAZQUEZ 


I'm a bit of a French Impressionist art snob.  Nothing can compare to Monet and Renoir, and my favorite, Van Gogh. Then came Velázquez. 

I didn't mean to fall in love with his work.  His work came to me.

When my husband and I arrived in Spain last April, we dropped off our luggage and began exploring the  neighborhoods of Madrid.  As we wandered around, we discovered vibrant statues placed all over the city in honor of Diego de Velázquez.

Velázquez (1599-1660) was the royal painter in the court of Philip II in Madrid.  He sought to capture the reality of things and people rather than follow the classical standard of ideal beauty.    

The Maids of Honour by Velázquez were placed in streets, squares and recognisable settings. According to Meninas Madrid Gallery - Turismo Madrid  the statues "express the vision of the city of their creators, diverse personalities from the world of art, film, sport and celebrities in general. 

The initiative reinterprets each of the Infant Margarita’s maids of honour in the famous painting Las Meninas (The Ladies in Waiting) by Velázquez in the form of a sculpture. The aim is to portray the plural identity of the Spanish capital through a street museum made up of more than 80 Maids of Honour.  Two metres high, each one will carry an individual message and, together, they will help to reveal Velázquez’s 'infinite message.'”   

The painting of Las Meninas is enormous—10.5 ft x 9 ft.  Imagine the undertaking that fell on Velázquez's shoulders:  deciding the viewpoint, the colors, the composition, how to add symbolism and mystery, and even where and how to insert himself in the painting!

So these little maids got me thinking about writing.  And how writing is like art.

Writers paint with words.

We wrap our words in symbolism and mystery.   We consider viewpoint.  We color our work with alliteration, assonance, simile and metaphor.  We observe the world around us.  We notice details.  

Our styles are as different as the canvases of Monet, Renoir, Van Gogh, and Velázquez.

Our voices are unique.

We are artists.

And sometimes whether we're in the throes of writely bliss or in the despair of writer's block, or on vacation, or doing whatever it is we do daily, the universe brings us something we don't expect.  Something significant is put in right in our path...

to notice, observe, admire, and inspire. 

http://mentalfloss.com/article/68209/14-things-know-about-velazquezs-las-meninas

 À la prochaine

Surprisingly audacious reflections of a humble writer 

LEARNING WITH THE MANUSCRIPT ACADEMY 

My new manuscript was sh*t. (My husband tried to warn me the piece needed more work). 

Thinking it was good enough to submit, I had a 10-minute conversation with a literary agent, where I heard for a second time the story needed help.  

This short phone call with a member of the  Manuscript Academy saved me from submitting a poorly developed manuscript.  Without having this conversation, I would have submitted my work to agents and gotten rejections (and been in the dark about why it was rejected).   

I stumbled across this amazing online conference when I searched for agents.  I read that for a low price, you could have a consultation with an agent to discuss a manuscript and a query letter.  

I'm glad I did. 

The Manuscript Academy is a unique online instruction can be enjoyed from the comfort of your home.  All you need is a computer, a tablet, or even your smartphone to log in and you will receive advice and instruction from some of the best minds in the literary community.  

Here is what is available: 

• Access to exclusive recorded classes and panels, designed to educate you about need-to-know topics such as how to submit your work, what agents and editors are looking for, how to craft amazing novels and books, the business of writing and promotion, and much more. You will have access to many high-quality recorded video presentations for 30+ full days—so you can pause, rewind, and notes at your own convenience. See the full schedule of classes here.
• Opportunities to pitch agents and editors one-on-one online. Using just your computer, you can arrange one-on-one pitches with literary agents and publishing house editors who are actively seeking books and clients right now. (Pitches are optional. You can sign up for as many pitches as you like.)
• Critique opportunities for your work. If you want a professional critique of your work, then Manuscript Academy has opportunities for you. Our awesome faculty of agents, editors, and published authors offer detailed critiques of manuscript pages, query letters, synopses, and nonfiction book proposals. This is an amazing opportunity to get expert feedback on your work. Plus, Manuscript Academy members also gain access to our Academy Forum, which allows writers to connect with each other and form online writing critique groups.
• Live query and first page workshops and discussions (in groups of up to 10) on topics ranging from Publishing Law to How to Be A Trendsetter, Not Trendy. All of these are designed to be introvert friendly.

For under $50, I had a ten-minute consult with a well-known literary agent.  For me, it was a little nerve-wracking because she was late calling.  I was nervous to begin with and then...my computer went to sleep.  

I clicked and moved my mouse frantically.  

I got panicky.  I wanted it to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!   

Luckily, I had jotted down my questions in advance so it was easy to continue.  Halfway through our short conversation, the agent told me that the middle of my manuscript was weak.  OMG, she suggested how to improve it!  

The Manuscript Academy was right for me.  And it may be right for you.  Poke around on the website and discover how the classes and consults work.  Read the testimonials.  Imagine talking about your manuscript with a professional and learning how she feels about it.  Find out if your work is ready to sent out agents. 

$49 + 10 minutes =  priceless knowledge

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