Photo by Benzoix

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, STOP THE BITCHING   

I have about zero tolerance for complainers. 

Though I care about my friends and want to be there for them when they need to vent, I need to protect myself from the negativity they project.  Their complaining wears me down.    

Many years ago, I worked in a clinical laboratory with a gal who complained every day.  I kid you not.  Every day!  About anything.  I listened to her to be supportive, never realizing how I was absorbing the negative energy.   

Even these days, some of my friends have a habit of complaining.  Recently, a friend talked non-stop during a lunch date about family problems.  Similarly, another friend went on and on about work-related issues as we hiked through a park.  In both cases, I didn't have a chance to speak up and offer advice.  My gal pals just wanted to gab about the things that upset them.  It was as if they were talking to a wall, because it didn't matter if I was there or not.  Which was a bummer.  I could have spent my time doing something productive.  I certainly didn't feel being present made any difference. 

Trevor Blake, a serial entrepreneur and author of Three Simple Steps: A Map to Success in Business and Life says, "Typically, people who are complaining don't want a solution; they just want you to join in the indignity of the whole thing." 

Blake describes how neuroscientists have learned to measure brain activity when faced with various stimuli, including a long gripe session. He says, "The brain works more like a muscle than we thought. So, if you're pinned in a corner for too long listening to someone being negative, you're more likely to behave that way as well."  

This is so true!  Especially when I think back to the lab co-worker from years gone by.  She got me so riled up that I began acting negatively and found fault with everything and everybody.  

I have listened to complainers for many years, but it wasn't until the lunch date and park hike that I finally realized something has to be done.      

 Blake recommends the following: 

• Find a way to create some distance from the complainer.  Limit the exposure to this kind of behavior if you can.  If you're in a social setting or even a classroom, if you can excuse yourself to take a bathroom break or to get a drink.

• Ask the complainer to fix the problem. Sometimes, you can't easily walk away, so try to get the person who's complaining to take responsibility for a solution.  Ask they what are you going to do about it.  Some may get huffy, but others may try to solve their problem.

• If you're trapped listening to a complainer, block out the griping.  Imagine you're protected by a shield. Or, imagine you're in a calm, happy environment (your favorite getaway or vacation destination)

Blake's recommendations could be applied in some cases, but I can't create distance if my friends and I have agreed to meet.  I wouldn't ask them to fix the problem nor would I want to block out their gripping.  They need a friend who will be there for them and listen.  

I'm trying to figure out how to best handle my grumbling girlfriends should they call or want to get together.  Our last conversations drained me, pulled me down and made me feel icky.  The bitching just gets old and creates a lop-sided friendship.  It's always about them, and nothing about me.

So, after a lot of thought I made a decision. While it's important to support my friends, I've chosen to put a brief hold on these relationships. Faire une petite pause.*  Then in the future when we get together, I'll work on rebalancing the friendships.  I will strive for reciprocity.  I will redirect the conversations to more cheerful optimistic topics.  

Easier said than done.  

My timidity may get in the way and this strategy will require finesse so I don't hurt anyone's feelings.  Regardless, I need to work on improving my relationships.  I love my friends but I don't love the negativity.  This plan may be a small step in the right direction.  And when it's put into action, I am hopeful there will be much, much less complaining.   

  À la prochaine!  

*to take a little break

HOW DO YOU SPELL TROUBLE? 

L-I-Z-Z-I-E  

I never intended to adopt a cat.  

I thought our daughter Abby would be happy with Splash the Beta fish. But as she grew older,  Abby said she needed a pet she could hug.  So, when she was ten, she and I visited the Humane Society.  We fell in love with a tabby called Ollie.  

As time flew by, Abby went off to college and the house grew quiet.  Being that my husband Jim worked, it was nice having a furry companion around.  Ollie and I grew close, so you can imagine how heartbroken I felt when he was diagnosed with kidney disease.  Within three months, I had to make the difficult decision to put him down.  Ollie only lived to be eight.  

After months of mourning his loss, I felt ready to have another cat.  At the Humane Society, I found Ozzie, a beautiful tabby with one green eye and one amber eye.  Ozzie was well-behaved and gentle, but way too curious and one Thanksgiving, he snuck out.  When we discovered he was missing, I totally freaked out.  Ozzie was an indoor cat.  He didn't know how to hunt for food, how to find shelter, or how to defend himself against predators.  He would never survive outside.

Jim and I posted his picture on Face Book and on Next Door and taped flyers to lamp posts.  We walked the neighborhood every day calling for him.  Jim searched the woods behind our house.  After 19 days I was beginning to lose hope.  By now it was December and the temperatures were below freezing.

Can you believe this cutie causes so much trouble?

Still, we hoped someone had found Ozzie and had dropped him off at the Humane Society, but when we visited, he wasn't in the room of lost pets.  While we were at the adoption center, I decided to hold some kittens, thinking a new cat would cheer me up.  But they were sickly and sad-looking and none could replace Ozzie.  Then on the way back home, we drove past Pet Smart and decided to step in to look at the kittens.  I had no intention of adopting that day, but one of them was named Abby—an obvious sign this was meant to be.  And just like that, we had ourselves a new cat and I decided to call her Lizzie.     

So, here we had a kitten and my husband and I knew nothing about caring for a young cat.  We had adopted Ozzie as an adolescent.  In no time, we learned that this kitten was a handful.  She'd sneak into closets or the pantry and get accidently trapped inside, scratch furniture and audio speakers, bite our toes, leap three feet up to the top of the refrigerator door to swat my hand, and the list goes on. 

The worst thing was, Lizzie didn't know anything about litter boxes (which surprised me because I though all cats no matter how young knew where to potty).  She did her business wherever she wanted.  A gal at Pet Smart advised me to place three litter boxes by Lizzie's favorite bathroom spots, and every few days gradually move them closer to the designated litter box area and then leave just one.  (This worked:)

Now look at her face.  Who can believe something so cute can be such a rascal?  We call her Little Bit, You With The Face, and A-lizzabet.  Sometimes, Sweetheart.  The most-fitting name is Trouble.  A year later she nibbles floral arrangements (silk and real flowers), tries to catch paper coming out of the printer, shreds window sheers, steals guitar picks, and uses my husband's favorite chair as a scratching post.  

Lizzie's latest habits include banging on the bedroom door during the middle of the night or walking on my back as I sleep.  The famous cat whisperer, Jackson Galaxy would say, distract her to stop bad behavior.  Yeh, right.  I'm going to get out of bed at 4 a.m. and distract her. 

Despite her mischievous behavior, Lizzie slowly helped me get over the loss of Ozzie.  But I wondered, what if Ozzie wasn't lost?  What if he found his way back home?  Would Lizzie and Ozzie get along? We were about to find out.  

Six weeks after adopting Lizzie, a neighbor who lived about one and a half miles away posted a picture on Facebook of a cat he had found.  The photo was fuzzy, but the cat resembled Ozzie.  Jim and I jumped into the car and raced to his house.  The neighbor led us to the basement where he kept the foundling, and lo and behold, there was Ozzie, minus his collar, fur matted, so skinny you could see his back bones.  He was literally starving and could barely hold his head up.  I cradled my sweet boy.  How had he survived?  And equally amazing, how could it be that we were reunited? 

The following day after meeting with veterinarian Dr. Vice, I found out Ozzie had no broken bones or cuts.  As Dr. V. put it, Ozzie just went on a walkabout.  Knowing Oz was unharmed was a relief.  But in order for him to rest and gain weight, we kept him separated from Lizzie.  Two weeks later he had regained his strength and we allowed the two of them to meet.   

At first, I wasn't sure if they'd get along.  They seemed suspicious of one another.  Ozzie and Lizzie tested each another and chased through the house.  But their interactions were harmless—no crying or fur flying.  Just pure joyous cat play.  

As I watch the two wrestle, I can't believe we have two cats. TWO!  And they are as different as night and day.  One is calm (and happy to be home) and one is well, not calm.  By now, you know which is which.  Which makes it fun and interesting.  We love 'em both.  Even if one caused us worry and heartache.  Even if one can be nothing but trouble.   

Bonne année! 

 

                                                                                                                                  Photo courtesy: Paula Engebretson

SHOW SOME RESPECT  

It bugs me when people don't reply, can't say no, can't admit they're not interested.

This happens quite a bit when I query agents.  I may not hear back after following the agent's guidelines, filling out a Query Manager form, and sending a professional query letter.  No word = no thank you.  In the past this wasn't the case.  Agents actually got back in touch through snail-mail.  But these days, agents claim they're overwhelmed with submissions and don't have the time to respond.   

What surprised me was other professionals have adopted this behavior, too.  Six years ago, when I tried to promote my book, I found that newspaper journalists, librarians, and teachers didn't have the courtesy to get back in touch with me.  None of them returned my phone calls, texted me or emailed me.  I was left hanging with the hope they'd be interested in writing a newspaper review, or having me lead a storytime, or inviting me to school to meet young readers.  Though my book was traditionally published, it didn't warrant their attention.  This was eye-opening, sad, and disappointing. 

Unfortunately, this attitude is prevalent beyond the book world and into our daily lives.  Last month, I contacted a handyman who was recommended on Next Door .  He stopped by our house to look at the projects and told me he'd send a quote.  After waiting two weeks, I sent an email to remind him.  He never responded.  Okay, I get it.  He really wasn't interested, but couldn't he have responded to my email?  

Now here's the thing.  I'd like to warn other people about this fellow.  This guy is not reliable and may not follow up.  But I won't.  He has my email and my cell phone number.  And he knows where I live.  I'm not careless or stupid.  It takes very little to set someone off.  So, I'll do nothing.  Stew, yes.  But quietly.

It's a shame some people feel that they don't need to respond, that no response speaks for itself.  But come on man, that's so rude.  And it boils down having no respect for others.  People have gotten self-centered.  They don't think about (or care about) another person's feelings.  It doesn't occur to them to be nice, to get back in touch, to send a reply.   

   

While writing this post, I found an article that was helpful in dealing with people who don't have the courtesy to say no thanks.  In "No Thanks, 3 Things You Can Do When People Don't Respond to Your EMail," I learned not to take it personally and to move on.   

This article made me feel I'm not alone.  It gave me the go ahead to reach out to other people.  People I can count on.  In the future, I will reach out to my publisher to help me contact journalists, teachers, and librarians.  And outside the writing world, I will reach out to more conscientious handymen.    

Sometimes it's hard to avoid people who choose not to reply.  The thing is, I don't have to let them get me down.  True, their rudeness gets under my skin, but the power is in my hands.  I don't have to deal with these kind of people.  When someone shows me their true colors, I can move on.  I have the choice to work with people who will treat me with the decency I deserve.   

À la prochaine!  

                                                                                                                                        Photo by Anastasia Vityukova

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND

Before I judge or make a comment, I try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.  

This is something I learned many years ago after reading Dr. Stephen R. Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Stephen Covey encourages us to seek first to understand, then to be understood.  In other words, listen to people's ideas and feelings. 

But many folks are not good at this.  They make rash decisions without looking at a situation from a different point of view.  They may never consider what a person might be going through or why they act a certain way.  There are reasons why people behave the way they do. 

Here's a good example.  

I was present at a neighborhood board association meeting where a neighbor asked if he could replace dead plants at one of the island entrances and be paid for the work.  The president thought it was a good idea, but he had forgotten that the board of directors had a contract in place with a landscaping company that oversaw caring for the islands.  Somehow, that had slipped his mind.  

When I read a copy of the minutes a couple days later and I noticed the neighbor had been given the green light to start working on the island, I phoned the president to remind him of the landscaping contract.  At that point, he realized he had made a mistake by offering the neighbor the job.  He quickly sent an email to the board and neighbors to set the record straight and apologized for the misunderstanding.  The neighbor would need to send a quote so his services could be considered for next year.   

I am hoping the neighbor had no hard feelings.  But our secretary had a fit and quit.  The way I understand it was, she thought the president had gone back on his word.  

I will not judge her for quitting.  One of her relatives was facing a health issue.  Being secretary may have been too stressful for her now.  But it seemed to me that she never tried to understand why someone would say something and then take it back.  

She may have thought the president was being disrespectful when in fact, he is one of the most warm-hearted people in our neighborhood.  What she never considered was walking a mile in his shoes.  It has become apparent to me and some neighbors that our president has trouble remembering things and keeping things straight.  Because he hides it well (or perhaps he doesn't even know himself) she never assumed he had any problems.  

In this world where the majority is focused on themselves, it's time to be more giving.  To be more forgiving.  People may be feeling physically bad at the moment or struggling with underlying health issues.  They may be facing difficult times.  So, think before speaking.  Think before acting.  Seek to understand.  There are reasons why people behave the way they do.  

À la prochaine!  

This is what I imagine brunch must have looked like at the chateau

RUDE

I try everything in my power to avoid inconsiderate people. 

But when inconsiderate people are family members, avoidance can be nearly impossible.

The word inconsiderate is defined as not caring about other people or their feelings and/or being selfish, disrespectful, and rude. Unfortunately and frankly, the word applied to a close relative and I heard it repeated often when our family attended a destination wedding in France.  

Let me elaborate.  My husband and I flew to southern France last month to attend a relative's wedding.  Like the other wedding guests, we stayed at a hotel in Avignon.  The groom and bride thoughtfully arranged for a bus to take guests from the hotel to the chateau out the country.  However, no transportation had been provided for those wanting to come to the brunch, which was to be hosted by a sibling the day after the wedding.  We were told "you are on your own."  

Now I ask you, think about our costs: airplane tickets, a hotel room for three nights, meals, and clothes to attend the affair.  The relative had a car, but she suggested that we make other arrangements:  rent a car or shell out money for a taxi or an Uber to take us to the brunch—which we found out was impossible.  Our hotel was so far from the chateau that a taxi wouldn't have had a return fare and we could not find an Uber driver who would take us. 

My husband and I made the tough decision not to attend the brunch.  We didn't complain about missing out.  We would do more sight-seeing.  But sadly, we felt like our presence didn't matter.  Even my brother decided to forego the brunch because getting there was too difficult. 

So, you might ask, now what?  How do I move forward?  This incident (and there have been so many other incidents even before this one) finally tipped the scale.  I have reached a breaking point.  I had wished that getting to the brunch could have been handled with more compassion and helpfulness.  But given the outcome, a family relationship is now strained.  

You might be wondering why I didn't have an honest conversation about my feelings, but frankly, I'd only get an argument.    

Everybody makes mistakes and deserves to be forgiven.  That may come with time.  But for now, I will have to limit contact.  Actions spoke louder than words.  Bien sûr—for sure, the actions in France spoke volumes.  

À la prochaine!  

I'm on vacation with my family for several weeks.  

Please stay tuned.  I love my followers and I'm grateful for your support.  

More confessions will continue next month. 

                                                                                                                                                Photo: Amy Shamblem

Au revoir et à bientôt! 

                                                                                                                                                     Photo: Languagenext.com 

J'ADORE LA LANGUE

After taking French classes for ten years, I'm still not fluent.  

That bums me out.  Why is this taking so long?  I love studying French, but it's a bitch to learn.  

My journey of learning French began when I was in high school.  After two years, I knew the basic nouns, adjectives, and verbs and how to construct a sentence in the present and past tense.  I loved it!  But I had to give up French in order to fill my schedule with classes that were necessary for my career path.   

I had always wanted to get back to learning French.  So, some forty years later when my husband and I planned a trip to France, I realized the need and the desire to study French again.  Language classes were offered at the Carnegie Literary and Learning Center, just a twenty-minute drive from my house.  Before the class began, I bought the grammar book and dove into the first two chapters.  But it was overwhelming.  What little I had retained from high school didn't help.  What had I gotten myself into?  Learning French was going to impossible.  However, my husband encouraged me to try the first class.  And you know what?  It was fun! 

My teacher was born in France and she taught the language well, but at times she would put people on the spot and embarrass them.  Despite these tense uncomfortable moments, I stuck with the class.  Then after three years, Madame Monique moved away from Lexington and we had a new teacher, who had a completely different teaching style. Mademoiselle Erica is more informal and the class is more relaxed.  In the course of seven years, we've studied more verb tenses (imperfect, conditional, and subjunctive) and we are learning much more vocabulary.

After ten years of class, I can understand spoken French pretty well, as long as it's not slang or spoken too fast.  For the most part, I can read and understand the written word.  But speaking the language is another story.  French is hard.  There are so many rules and exceptions.  Sometimes you pronounce the last consonant at the end of a word and other times you don't.  The nasal sounds are tricky—I'm still trying to master them.  A lot of words are pronounced the same way so you have to understand the context of the sentence.  For instance, worm and glass (ver and verre) are both pronounced 'vair' which rhymes with fair.

Recently, I've been listening to two online sources that are help me speak and understand French better:  French Mornings with Elisa  and Comme une Française  Both Elisa and Geraldine present interesting topics that teach the nuances of the language and show how to speak more like a local.  C'est fantastique!

It's nice to have alternative ways to learn the language.  These options help me pick up French a bit faster.  That said, learning the language is still going to take time.  It's me who has to change my perspective and not freak out about learning it rapidement and tout de suite.  For me, it's natural to rush things and to feel accomplished.  Bien sûr, I need to chill and have fun.  I need to study a little French each day and embrace the joy that comes with learning the language I love.    

À la prochaine!