Photo by Benzoix

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, STOP THE BITCHING   

I have about zero tolerance for complainers. 

Though I care about my friends and want to be there for them when they need to vent, I need to protect myself from the negativity they project.  Their complaining wears me down.    

Many years ago, I worked in a clinical laboratory with a gal who complained every day.  I kid you not.  Every day!  About anything.  I listened to her to be supportive, never realizing how I was absorbing the negative energy.   

Even these days, some of my friends have a habit of complaining.  Recently, a friend talked non-stop during a lunch date about family problems.  Similarly, another friend went on and on about work-related issues as we hiked through a park.  In both cases, I didn't have a chance to speak up and offer advice.  My gal pals just wanted to gab about the things that upset them.  It was as if they were talking to a wall, because it didn't matter if I was there or not.  Which was a bummer.  I could have spent my time doing something productive.  I certainly didn't feel being present made any difference. 

Trevor Blake, a serial entrepreneur and author of Three Simple Steps: A Map to Success in Business and Life says, "Typically, people who are complaining don't want a solution; they just want you to join in the indignity of the whole thing." 

Blake describes how neuroscientists have learned to measure brain activity when faced with various stimuli, including a long gripe session. He says, "The brain works more like a muscle than we thought. So, if you're pinned in a corner for too long listening to someone being negative, you're more likely to behave that way as well."  

This is so true!  Especially when I think back to the lab co-worker from years gone by.  She got me so riled up that I began acting negatively and found fault with everything and everybody.  

I have listened to complainers for many years, but it wasn't until the lunch date and park hike that I finally realized something has to be done.      

 Blake recommends the following: 

• Find a way to create some distance from the complainer.  Limit the exposure to this kind of behavior if you can.  If you're in a social setting or even a classroom, if you can excuse yourself to take a bathroom break or to get a drink.

• Ask the complainer to fix the problem. Sometimes, you can't easily walk away, so try to get the person who's complaining to take responsibility for a solution.  Ask they what are you going to do about it.  Some may get huffy, but others may try to solve their problem.

• If you're trapped listening to a complainer, block out the griping.  Imagine you're protected by a shield. Or, imagine you're in a calm, happy environment (your favorite getaway or vacation destination)

Blake's recommendations could be applied in some cases, but I can't create distance if my friends and I have agreed to meet.  I wouldn't ask them to fix the problem nor would I want to block out their gripping.  They need a friend who will be there for them and listen.  

I'm trying to figure out how to best handle my grumbling girlfriends should they call or want to get together.  Our last conversations drained me, pulled me down and made me feel icky.  The bitching just gets old and creates a lop-sided friendship.  It's always about them, and nothing about me.

So, after a lot of thought I made a decision. While it's important to support my friends, I've chosen to put a brief hold on these relationships. Faire une petite pause.*  Then in the future when we get together, I'll work on rebalancing the friendships.  I will strive for reciprocity.  I will redirect the conversations to more cheerful optimistic topics.  

Easier said than done.  

My timidity may get in the way and this strategy will require finesse so I don't hurt anyone's feelings.  Regardless, I need to work on improving my relationships.  I love my friends but I don't love the negativity.  This plan may be a small step in the right direction.  And when it's put into action, I am hopeful there will be much, much less complaining.   

  À la prochaine!  

*to take a little break