STILL MISSING HIM
I confess I am still grieving.
My dad passed away in June.
And I still ache for him.
I've welled up with tears, but I haven't cried.
I'm still processing his death.
He should be here. I know this sounds crazy, but he was a healthy 97-year-old man.
Sure, his hearing wasn't great, but he was sharp. He could cruise down the halls of Vitality Living with his walker at top speed. He took painting classes, exercised, and enjoyed happy hour. He ate well. Dad had a caregiver who visited four days a week and took care of his laundry, tidied up his apartment, and kept him company when family couldn't be there.
But Dad also had heart issues. This news came to us after he died. We didn't know until his nurse told us. She had advised that he have testing. He refused. In the end, this did him in.
On top of heart problems, he got disoriented and confused which led to hospitalization. What made this worse was when he was admitted, his case was mis-managed. He was released too early and did not get the proper care he needed in order to get over a cough that had developed while in the hospital.
Granted, managing an elderly person is tricky. You treat one ailment which can lead to other complications. Such was his case. After he returned to assisted living, he had to be re-admitted to the hospital. This time, in worse shape. In two days, he was gone.
I keep his calendar in my study. On it, he kept track of his appointments and family member's birthdays. The last date on his calendar was June 10, the day before he died.
I keep an envelope that he used to jot down people's name and phone numbers. This envelope and the calendar remind me of him.
I keep his voicemails so I can listen to him speak to me.
I keep his thick, grey sweater on the back of a chair in my study. When I touch it, I feel like I'm giving him a hug.
I think my dad wanted to live longer and enjoy his home and friends.
I think he should have had a few more good months.
I think he should still be here.
Paix